PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:Y Saturday, July 31, 2004Y
6:09 pm
Gosh!!! This last few days have been zooming past me...I sometimes have to remind myself to slow down breathe and just think....
First, my birthday...another year older and wiser (?) and higher(!!!!) and taller (&$*!!@%^#) I definitely had loads of fun!! **Thanks for the lovely wishes from every continent! I miss my lovely peeps esp those at KL and et Londres**...I know u wanted to spend the last day of July with me! Delighted with glee ppl, Perth rawks too!!!! And its all thanks to the initiative of my friends...especially Munz, Viksie, Roshers, Ainul & Ed....I love you guys **kiss kiss**
Yep..'twas the first time I was actually surprised for my "surprise birthday". It was getting a bit challenging to work up those facial muscles into a dazzled/dazed look everytime the birthday loomed b/c Min had actually commented once how my expression seemed constant to a 't' in all those pics taken from 1993-2000!I wish i wore a nicer top and combed my hair though....photos came out with me looking a mixture of bag lady met surprised astronaut who landed in the wrong planet..hell no, am NOT complaining!
It was the whole works...balloons, cake, orange food (haha,,,thats all the chips and dips!)
Got some nice pressies too...a notty notty gals only mug...& a lovely necklace & bling bling earrings! My fav Ms Maud's Queen Silvia Chockaholic Cake complete with 2X candles! Even provided a lil entertainment for the guests when I had to dive into the cake face-first to blowjob a birthday candle sunk in the depths of all that sinfulness! Suffice to say, ...i managed! (any surprises??)hehe...oops gettin a lil tooo graphic here;)
Rounded off the night with a game of Taboo interspersed with Pathman's "yevvery baadi in da howse get tippsy".....*lafs*
Nice to know that I'm being thought of and remembered......I'm so impressed by my galpals-*Mwaks Mwaks*!!! U guys almost brought tears to my eyes ....*sniff*
I know am moody, restless, senseless, silly billy, klutz....but man, u cant say I'm not loved!...Have my peeps and I'm luved...mighty proud of that!
3:26 am
So...whats the big deal with birthdays anyway?
Its 12 hrs to the wishing hour, before i turn the dreaded 2X, and I'm (as usual) not looking forward to it.
All the more this year...there is really nothing much to celebrate. All my close friends and family are not with me. To top it off, he still refuses to talk to me...and whats a celebration without him??? Have also pondered on my achievements... ..nothing much to show for all the years of blood sweat & tears....
As always, I remain a constant dissapointment...to friends, family and loved ones. The funny thing is...when I was younger, I remember many were somehow misled into thinking that I have the potential to make it. I was a precocious kid with bright eyes, and always mature for my age...but that too fizzled out...
The marauding bombshells that have hurtled my way have altered me for good...I used to be an eternal optimist, but then in adolescence I became sceptical. Now, I'm just plain cynical. The bright eyes are gone, now replaced with dull orbits that have a glazed look about them . I reckon its all that pent up sadness I've experienced all these years. I have come to accept that in this lifetime, I was not made to be a winner.
It stinks...but someone's got to wear the Loser Hat. I guess its just gotta be me. It used to take me awfully long to digest the fact that I'm powerless to do anything..I wasnt born with startling beauty (leave that...I wasnt born to be even average looking...)...that I could take. Wot I couldnt and only till recently have come to terms with is that I'm just plain bowwring! :(( I dont have a sparkling wit to go with an equally dazzling personality.....that sucks!
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But there is some light at the end of the tunnel....I am living life as an indie chick, and sometimes I surprise myself! It may sound crazy, but I am constantly psyching myself, telling myself I can do it....its the only way...I wish I was one of those creatures who breeze through days with narry a hair outta place-amazing how some of them manage that. 'tsall abt the confidence, babe....yup, its those inner voices ...berating, encouraging...thats me...
Y Tuesday, July 27, 2004Y
2:14 pm
She saw ...she saw....she saw....see saw....huh?? she saw....she caved in.....yep folks, finally settled in for a $49.99 fancy 2000W Remington Big Shot Professional hmmm whaddaya call it??..hair dryer??...I dunno if its money well spent...this contraption is bloody big weiii...and it comes with something called a "diffuser" which has serious big ass finger-like projections. Honestly, everything is BIG about this thing!...I just hope the hair doesnt end up big & billowy as Nanny Fine's...Anyways...just a "treat"..for the impending b'day...yes, its sad...since when do fashionistas buy hairdryers as birthday prezzies fer themselves?? Yup yup...the reason for this (impulse??) buy is that have been feeling mighty low recently, and it has least to do with the state of my follicles!!
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Its more like the state of mah 4 chambered organ (umm..its called a heart for the uninitiated)...Hanging precariously as am having yet another unfounded crisis..the story of my life!!! I'm beginning to wonder if all this is really worth it...love, life, trust..whatever....sometimes, love just hurts u so goddamn badly....its so difficult to rationalize with someone who just cant see (or refuses to see) the truth. I'm beginning to wonder if I've made the correct choices..for the first time in my life, I can clearly see that maybe the present status quo is not going to work out. You love a person with ur all...and then this. The same person whom u think understands wot makes u tick after all these years- u would think they know u and then they just take u by complete shock by the wild accusations and can still doubt u (and worse still just break ur spirit with such hurting comments)...I dont need this. I feel as if I'm suffocating and am held hostage...the sooner I break free the better.
I guess I have to eat humble pie ... ..at this donkey kong years I'm still shamelessly dependent on my folks and I reckon I hafta start picking up the pieces somewhere. ..
I dunno if I'll ever recover from this...at this stage I doubt that.
I hardly ever wear my feelings on my sleeve ..hence everyone is totally oblivious to the inner turmoil that is haunting me.
My birthday wish?? Simple.........**Peace of mind**
I've not had complete peace of mind since I was 4 yrs old and I spilt orange juice in the porch..yeah, that still haunts me.....
Y Wednesday, July 21, 2004Y
12:30 pm
Just thought I'll let on abt wotz in my carry case...am not big on purses, but hey..I have one helluva cute billabong cream shoulder tote which i decided to empty after months of (mis)use.
on to the REAL reason why you flock/stalk here...the contents:
1) Nivea Fresh deo. i have no idea why I was carry this. as soon as i dumped my bag out, Shazzer was like, "do you want me to get you a travel-sized?" and I said no...b/c I never carry my anti-perspirant with me. Guess this is one of the bizarre little anomalies that just happens.... anyway, let`s clarify: no, I neither sweat nor smell in any extraordinary way...hehe...I just **glow**...okie perspire ...wot eva!!
2) clinique`s tinted lip balm w/spf...sandie is so loyal to this, that it was one of the reasons she made the trip to KL to send me off with this safely tucked into my case...apparently it`s impossible to find this exact shade that do my smackers justice where I'm at. Helloww..sandss..yep, we do have clinique's here at Perth yeow!! i won`t mock her-- it`s amazing stuff, especially for a girl like her who doesn`t wear much lip gloss/sticks to neutral lip colours b/c of her job... boring docs!!!
3) Uni ID!
4) MAC lippie...just the absolutely fab tasting champagne frosty colour, the stick is so super stylish!
5) Assorted gym cards, pocket calender (2003), medibank.... helter-skelter.
6) shitty eclipse gum in blister pack...once you chew altoids, you NEVER go back
7) Prescriptives glow powder-- my LEAST favourite powder EVER... i think it`s SHIT. ..but its convenient ** sigh**
8) a cadbury creme egg i saved from easter...in case u dont already know am a cad-addict...even if there is no $$ for proper food...I stock up enough chockies to last till xmas...(or xams).. .
9) Another fave....an almost scraped till the fat lady sings ..lancome lipstick... it`s brown. it`s boring...but it`s still mah favourite. gah...
10) $0.09 ($0.05 in Auz cents and 4 Malaysian 1 cents)
11) an errant mint chiclet....from wot ..?1999??
Y Monday, July 19, 2004Y
12:06 pm
Day 1 of O-Week, and I'm more tired than the freshies! All that lugging, carrying, frying sunny side ups & answering questions is just beyond me - sometimes I just wanna clam up & observe-
As it was such an eventful day, I'm gonna detail an hour by hour itenary of the day's happenings. But first...sleep!!!!! blissful sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Y Sunday, July 18, 2004Y
6:11 am
Some of my closest galpals coming down to start the semester:)
Broad smiles ...its been beautiful - one of those picture perrrfect Perth Saturdays....thinking of the LOML...wish he was here-just his kinda day...lazing with the papers in the morning over steaming cups of freshly brewed coffee, bacon, eggs done easy, baked beans, the fresh aroma of waffles on the iron....the scent of his aftershave still lingering......mmmmmmmmm..............those denim cut-offs making my heart do flapjacks. He knows he still has that effect on me after all these years....
My man will want to lay his large frame in front of the box....but considering the lousy TV on saturdays, he'll suggest a drive to the beach.... I know u too well u idiot! 2 ice creams later, he'll start that slow seduction ..that lingering smile....damn! And just as I'm settling into a shapeless mass of something melting .... he'll nag me for being a clumsy idiot and tripping over some idiotic stone...excuse me, but when I'm with u babes, everything else is irrelevant. When would yea ever understand that?
Broad smiles ...its been beautiful - one of those picture perrrfect Perth Saturdays....thinking of the LOML...wish he was here-just his kinda day...lazing with the papers in the morning over steaming cups of freshly brewed coffee, bacon, eggs done easy, baked beans, the fresh aroma of waffles on the iron....the scent of his aftershave still lingering......mmmmmmmmm..............those denim cut-offs making my heart do flapjacks. He knows he still has that effect on me after all these years....
My man will want to lay his large frame in front of the box....but considering the lousy TV on saturdays, he'll suggest a drive to the beach.... I know u too well u idiot! 2 ice creams later, he'll start that slow seduction ..that lingering smile....damn! And just as I'm settling into a shapeless mass of something melting .... he'll nag me for being a clumsy idiot and tripping over some idiotic stone...excuse me, but when I'm with u babes, everything else is irrelevant. When would yea ever understand that?
Y Saturday, July 17, 2004Y
6:15 pm
Its been a wretched day. Had to drag my anti-social self outta bed coz I enlisted as a Student Helper for O-Week. Since it was Day 1 of the monthly bloody party, it was essential to pump my system with enough pain killers to numb the entire elephant army in the Lord of the Rings triology.
I was off to uni and made it to the briefing at 2.08 pm...where i was accosted by the nice Tara- whoa there ...by the time I made it to the Senate Suite (really a very fancy name for a meeting room), all 34 pairs of eyes were boring down at me for my tardiness..definitely not the way to make a first impression. After managing to settle in by interrupting the meeting with chair scrapings (had to drag a chair from another room, coz they didnt have one for me) and dropping a sheaf of papers (had to bend..quite an effort!) ...I sunk my unfashionable self into the chair. Looked around at everybody....damn, I was dressed in the dowdiest threads...grandma brown sweats and tan pants! I tried to remain incognito...but again, that proved infutile wot with my "stature" and all!
Anywayz...turns out that there are some nice people...albeit very fashionista types-and am quite excited abt next week!!
Met Divsie's friend...rawk chick all the way, but I think she's my kinda gal-fun & fearless!! I think I'd call her Red- she had on a lovely red jumper that went with her hair...I wish i looked half as good. Crazy as it sounds, was checking my reflection off her sunnies...oh gawd!!! I looked bloody motherly (no wait...moms are hot nowadays...heard of MILF??) ...haha....more like some old "Ah So" type :(((
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Omigawd!! Had the most scandalous dream ever...me and my period laced system shut down at 7pm...and I had one of the "what the hell was that" kinda dream!...A full-on lezzie encounter-totally enjoyable i must add...........hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...whats interesting is who the lucky chick i was devouring was..at this stage, i'd keep this bit to myself. Thought abt my man a bit...yep, definitely am heterosexual!
Saw Sandie online...she let me know that one of this chicks who I knew from like 1992 totally hates my guts!...haha, thats a complement man! As they say, if ur still being talked about after all these years...u made it good babe. Cheers!
Y Friday, July 16, 2004Y
10:37 pm
So..all is not in vain..my 8 minutes spent on this site may turn out to be one helluva seadragon ride after all...I wish i could write something awe-inspiring, but my brain is freezed out- must be all that mountain dew I've sucked in since 2AM...I seem to have a definite affinity for mountains...or at least drinking wot is supposedly claimed to come of 'em...besides the aforementioned Dew, there is the Mount Franklin Spring Water and Big Mountain's "Ooohh...Baby I Love Ur Way..."...okie, I didnt drink the latter, I actually snorted it.
So, wot great plans do I have today u ask? Well, its turning out to be quite a glorious morning, so am gonna go back to sleep as I feel the fucked up period cramps coming on...Hang on
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Just as I suspected!...the monthly curse has made its way to my ovaries..I always imagine the egg (looks something like an ostrich egg in my delusions) snaking its way...tearing the protective lining of capillaries my uterus has so lovingly laid out for the homecoming. Ungrateful prick!
The Love-of-Mah_Life (LOML) called like 4 times today. He just wants to hear my voice. Sometimes life is actually worth living.
Today is a Friday..have 2 things pencilled in my diary: An orientation briefing for the Student Helpers at 2.30pm (yes...in a rare moment of chivalry...I signed up)...and rehersals for my debut as a Tamil movie "villain-commediene" later in the PM.
This seadragon is goin under...but before that I'm makin myself a nice scrambled egg to replace the one I just lost..**I hope I'm at least coming across as darkly humorous...if not, I'll settle for plain twisted**
Y Thursday, July 15, 2004Y
10:11 pm
Nervous excitement washes over me. Its 7.10 am and its bloody cold and humid at the same time.
Does my SeaDragon work?