PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:Y Saturday, July 31, 2004Y
3:26 am
So...whats the big deal with birthdays anyway?
Its 12 hrs to the wishing hour, before i turn the dreaded 2X, and I'm (as usual) not looking forward to it.
All the more this year...there is really nothing much to celebrate. All my close friends and family are not with me. To top it off, he still refuses to talk to me...and whats a celebration without him??? Have also pondered on my achievements... ..nothing much to show for all the years of blood sweat & tears....
As always, I remain a constant dissapointment...to friends, family and loved ones. The funny thing is...when I was younger, I remember many were somehow misled into thinking that I have the potential to make it. I was a precocious kid with bright eyes, and always mature for my age...but that too fizzled out...
The marauding bombshells that have hurtled my way have altered me for good...I used to be an eternal optimist, but then in adolescence I became sceptical. Now, I'm just plain cynical. The bright eyes are gone, now replaced with dull orbits that have a glazed look about them . I reckon its all that pent up sadness I've experienced all these years. I have come to accept that in this lifetime, I was not made to be a winner.
It stinks...but someone's got to wear the Loser Hat. I guess its just gotta be me. It used to take me awfully long to digest the fact that I'm powerless to do anything..I wasnt born with startling beauty (leave that...I wasnt born to be even average looking...)...that I could take. Wot I couldnt and only till recently have come to terms with is that I'm just plain bowwring! :(( I dont have a sparkling wit to go with an equally dazzling personality.....that sucks!
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But there is some light at the end of the tunnel....I am living life as an indie chick, and sometimes I surprise myself! It may sound crazy, but I am constantly psyching myself, telling myself I can do it....its the only way...I wish I was one of those creatures who breeze through days with narry a hair outta place-amazing how some of them manage that. 'tsall abt the confidence, babe....yup, its those inner voices ...berating, encouraging...thats me...
