PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:Y Monday, August 30, 2004Y
3:59 am
I cannot resist. Plath's words are so nervewreckingly raw & edgy- This is indeed the stuff I grew up on. She was there for me. Still is. I love her. Idolize her.
Do I want to be her? Be like her? Sometimes yes....I feel I AM her.
Because she writes these things.
Things that embody me. Its me I swear. ME. You hear me?
ITS ME!!
Is that a shudder I feel from within me? From you??
A simple 14 stanza poem that never fails to bring a tear.....
Its depressing......pretty much sums up the mood I'm in most of the time......
No consolation that she wrote this a year before commiting suicide.
Fear, Hear....Will, Kill........is there EVER an end to this madness?
Is it easier to grab a blade & mutilate myself....just to take away the pain-even if it is for awhile?
I'm sick of being on auto-pilot. Fuck Fuck Fuck!
Fuck you all for wanting a piece of me. Fuck you if you're here to judge me. Fuck you if you mock me. I SAID fuck OFF!!
Godddd..........I hafta stop, just stop!
Think...calmness....
Elm
Sylvia Plath
1962
I know the bottom, she says, I know it with my great tap root;
It is what you fear.
I do not fear it: I have been there.
Is it the sea you hear in me,
Its dissatisfactions?
Or the voice of nothing, that was you madness?
Love is a shadow.
How you lie and cry after it.
Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.
All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously,
Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,Echoing, echoing.
Or shall I bring you the sound of poisons?
This is rain now, the big hush.
And this is the fruit of it: tin white, like arsenic.
I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets.
Scorched to the root
My red filaments burn and stand,a hand of wires.
Now I break up in pieces that fly about like clubs.
A wind of such violence
Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.
The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me
Cruelly, being barren.
Her radience scathes me. Or perhaps I have caught her.
I let her go. I let her go
Diminshed and flat, as after radical surgery.
How your bad dreams possess and endow me.
I am inhabited by a cry.
Nightly it flaps out
Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.
I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.
Clouds pass and disperse.
Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrevables?
Is it for such I agitate my heart?
I am incapable of more knowledge.
What is this, this face
So murderous in its strangle of branches?--
Its snaky acids kiss.
It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults
That kill, that kill, that kill.
Y Sunday, August 29, 2004Y
5:00 pm
10 Reasons why the *LOML is the ONLY man for me:
**& to all the sexxxy (yes yes I know ur lovely;) hunnies out there....I challenge you to make a move on my man*** .......[dark eyes flashing...amidst thunder...lightning...]...hey, i'm a bit of a drama queen...so gimme some hollywood licence!
And now for the reason why u've made it reading thus far:
10. In the 5 yrs we've been together, I KNOW (for a fact) that he has never-ever-ever once found another woman attractive. How do u know? ...[I hear u point out] ...Well...yes, my man can appreciate beauty (afterall he is a typical Libran)...& hell yes, we do quite a fair bit of bird- watching together....he'll even go as far as tell me (during one of his *rare uncouth moments*)..."yea, she's fuckable"....but I know he has his eyes (and everything else in that sexy package) just for me!! Even if ur 20 and with stats to knock off Catherine Zeta J, with a face that could only be created by some Rennaissance grand-master, well- TOO BAD babe....I'm his ONLY mona lisa (though in reality I reckon I could pass off for those drippy things thats so Salvador Dali)
9. LOML is the best-est sous chef in the world! U name it, he can whip it... (**do i see little green men dancing in ur eyes now??**)...And since we're both such foodies, food trips with him always turn out to be absolute nirvana. He knows the best, most original corners to have everything from Hokkien Char, to steaming Bah Kut Teh, from Ikan Bakar to sizzling Bombay Steak. My boy lovingly sends me recipes - and thanks to him I've survived my Perth blitz:))) I know YOU cant wait 2 try out my cooking babes, hehe...but am just aching (*can u feel the pain..*) for a side of ur Chicken Curry...Divine stuff
8. He's bloody protective & super **J**!! Some of my "empowered sistahs" will find this disconcerting-can just feel them turning up that uppity nose at such bimbotic nonsense....but honestly, I find it *secretly* satisfying. I always feel safe when he's around...I mean..at least I dont hafta be the bodyguard!...can just concentrate on being the *fragile* damsel whilst my knight fights all my battles..(OOps...I hear a large collective sigh from the feminists: thats death to feminism...hehe..) LOML is farkin jealous...so if ur male, and if the unlikely happens & u find urself smitten by my worldly charms (did yea just raise ur brow)....RUN man RUN!!
7. The Love Muscle....thats my porn name for him. (Okay...he's gonna murder me fer this, but yea, have been "killed" many a time in his hands, and I always reincarnate more refreshed) ;))) My LOML is the sexiest Greek God alive...that slow, lazy grin, those strong but amazingly tender lips, that chest made for a woman to snuggle up on *heaven*, his eyes...omg...his eyes..raking me all over with those eyes is like being made love to by the sun- the heat is just so intense. He makes me feel all woman, simply b/c he is all man. I will cease now before I'm reduced to a delirious mass of *mush*!!!
6. Always a gentleman. He may be mine, but he treats every other person (regardless of whether ur male or female) with the most beautiful manners. When we first started dating, one of his mates g/f's commented that LOML is the sweetest man she knows-he is just so helpful and kind...thats why so many ppl just love him. My babe has been there for friends, family, even foe & strangers. He may be a tough talking guy on the outside, but I know that he has a super-duper lovely heart. I love you sweetheart.
^^To be Continued^^
*LOML= Love of Mah Life!
Y Thursday, August 26, 2004Y
6:14 pm
The White Woman & India
Francois Gautier
May 20, 2004
The spectacle on the night of May 18, of all these Congress leaders, many of them intelligent men and women, debasing themselves in front of Sonia Gandhi, pleading with her to lead the country, made me feel sick. If Sonia had any dignity, she would have stopped it, but she just listened, with a slightly bored expression, right till the last Congressman and woman had wallowed in dirt before her.
And again I asked myself the question which has baffled me for 35 years, although I am myself a white man and a born Christian: why do Indians have such an attraction towards the white skin?
After reading the newspapers on Wednesday morning and seeing how newspapers such as The Times of India still root for Sonia Gandhi, with columnists such as Dileep Padgaonkar saying that her becoming prime minister would be in tune 'with the highest Vedantic ideals,' I wonder: does India, one of the most ancient civilizations on the planet, need a white woman to govern her?
I am sure Sonia has great qualities, but are Indians so dumb, stupid and backward, that they cannot find among themselves someone intelligent enough, non-corrupt enough, to lead them? And what about this craze for Mother Teresa? She may have been a saint, but nobody has harmed India's image in the 20th century so much: when you say India in the West, their eyes light up and they answer: 'Mother Teresa/ Kolkata/ poor people/ dumb people/ starving people/ who do not know how to care after their own underprivileged/ who need a white woman to show them how to pick up the dying from the streets/ to look after orphans'!
Is this the image Indians want today? An image that is harming them, which is stopping Western investors from investing in India? Yet, Mother Teresa is worshipped here, from Kolkata to Chennai, from Delhi to Bangalore, and when she will be made a saint by the Vatican, perpetuating this colonial, superior-minded, Christian symbol of white superiority over the brown/black man, all the Indian media will rejoice in its own mental slavery and the Indian government will probably declare a national holiday!
Why don't Indians understand that brown is beautiful? White people spend hours on the beach and put on a hundred creams to get tanned. And in winter they even artificially lie under infrared lamps in beauty parlors to get brown! Why this obsession for the Indian woman to have white skin?
How come the two most popular actors in India have fair skin and nearly blue eyes? Why this craze for 'fair' brides? If you find the answers to these, you will understand why the fatal attraction for Sonia Gandhi and Mother Teresa.
Obviously, colonisation has frozen the Indian mind in certain patterns and the British made sure, through Macaulay's policies, of leaving behind an enduring inferiority complex among Indians, by constantly harping on the flaws of Indian culture and inflating them. That is why today Indian intellectuals repeat like parrots what their masters had said before them: 'Hindus are fundamentalists/Brahmins are exploiters/Gowalkar was a Nazi/Indians are corrupt and no good.'
But that does not explain everything: most colonised countries have aped their masters after having hated them. No, in my mind the greatest factor behind India's love for the white is the absurd theory of Aryan invasion
According to this theory, which was actually devised in the 18th and 19th centuries by British linguists and archaeologists, the first inhabitants of India were good-natured, peaceful, dark-skinned shepherds called the Dravidians, who had founded what is called the Harappan or the Indus Valley civilisation. They were supposedly remarkable builders, witness the city of Mohenjo Daro in Pakistani Sind, but had no culture to speak of, no literature, no proper script even. Then, around 1500 BC, India is said to have been invaded by tribes called the Aryans: white-skinned, nomadic people, who originated somewhere in western Russia and imposed upon the Dravidians the hateful caste system. To Aryans is attributed Sanskrit, the Vedic or Hindu religion, India's greatest spiritual texts, the Vedas, as well as a host of subsequent writings, the Upanishads, the Mahabharat, the Ramayan, etc.
This was indeed a masterstroke on the part of the British: thanks to the Aryan theory, they showed on the one hand that Indian civilisation was not that ancient and that it was posterior to the cultures which influenced the Western world -- Mesopotamia, Sumeria, and Babylon -- and that whatever good things India had developed -- Sanskrit, literature, or even its architecture -- had been influenced by the West.
Thus, Sanskrit, instead of being the mother of all Indo-European languages, became just a branch of their huge family; thus, the religion of Zarathustra is said to have influenced Hinduism, and not vice versa. On the other hand, it divided India and pitted against each other the low caste, dark-skinned Dravidians and the high caste, light-skinned Aryans, a rift which is still enduring. Yet, most recent archaeological and linguistic discoveries point out that there never was an Aryan invasion and many historians, including the malevolent Romila Thapar, are distancing themselves from it. Yet, most Indians still believe in this absurd theory.
Wake up O Indians: you are as great, if not greater than the white man. You can do as well, if not better than the white man. Not only did your forefathers devise some of the basic principles of mathematics, astrology, and surgical medicine, not only are your people among the most brilliant in the world today -- half of Silicon Valley is of Indian origin, 30 percent of the United Kingdom's doctors are Indians -- but you still hold within yourselves a unique spiritual knowledge, which once roamed the world but which has now disappeared, replaced by the intolerant creed of the two major monotheistic religions which say: 'if you don't believe in my true God, I will either kill you or convert you'.
Wake up India, brown is beautiful, smart and it is the future. Dr Manmohan Singh, whatever has to be said about the Congress, you have partly redeemed India's pride, and our good wishes are with you.
The author is the correspondent in South Asia for Ouest-France, the largest circulation French daily (1 million copies)
:-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-: :-:-:
a thank you to Simi for posting this so that i could read it and exhale.
a bigger thank you to francois, for writing what i've been muttering for years about my own deluded brown people. gah!
Y Wednesday, August 25, 2004Y
4:36 pm
In a marshmallowY-mushY mood today! Dusted off the cobwebs from my CT Nurhaliza CD (Pecayalah)...and decided to have a sing-a-long to my current favourite Misha Omar's "Bunga(x2) Cinta"...The way this babe croons brings out the goosepimples in me....Lovely, lovely voice!
Cranked it out in full blast and here are the lyrics: Me reckons Charlotte has picked up some gushing Malay lingo, judging by the number of times I croaked this:...
Bunga-Bunga Cinta
Hmmm... oh...
Di kala ku kesepian
Dihanyut ombak yang resah
Kau mengubati kerinduan
Di kala ku keresahan
Dihanyut malam nan gelap
Kau menerangi hidupku
( 1 )
Kini segalanya telah berubah
Cintamu hanya memori indah
Ku ditinggalkan kesepian
Pilu hatiku
( 2 )
Kembalilah kepadaku
Selamilah jiwa ini yang terluka
Ikatan kita berdua
( 3 )
Sayangilah diri ini
Belailah jiwa nan sepi
Kelayuan... dedaunan keguguran
Dahan-dahan nan kerapuhan
Bunga-bunga cinta... layu di pusara
Hmmm... hmmm...
Di kala ku kerinduan
Dihembus angin nan pilu
Kutatapi wajah dirimu
Di kala ku keseorangan
Dihanyut asmara cinta
Kau membelai jiwaku ini
( ulang 1, 2 & 3 )
Hanya satu kupinta oh darimu
Hargailah cinta kita oh...
Gelora menikam jiwa ini
Berada di hati
Deraian cinta yang suci
( ulang 2 & 3 )
By: Adnan Abu Hassan
Sang by the stunning nightingale: Misha Omar
Y Tuesday, August 24, 2004Y
1:18 am
Lived to tell abt one of the rocking Fridays eva....'twas Masala Mix at Metros & the whole Indian population of Perth was there to set the place on fire with DJ Rishi! Us Merr-Dawg hunnies were dressed to the nines & in true desi style, everyone was soaking in an alcoholic euphoria on arrival! Desi Diva fashion was at its epitome & in this scribe's drunken state, she attempted to zone in on the good, the bad and the plain blah! Read on to see the night in this roving reporter's hazy eyes....
**Its tough scoring a hot man nowadays, complain all my single sisters. And the way to do it is apparently to show lots of skin-the more dermis on show the merrier-(P.S: this theory remains unproven for those of us with some extra padding [READ: FAT] )Yes..my dear lovelies, forget them threads that are weaved into actual clothes....you've gotta wear the thread...yep, thread (as in string) is definitely gonna catch that greek god's eye. And not any bits of ole' thread from last year's fraying jumper...its gotta be the authenthic MNG or what-have-u label prominently peeking out from the most strategic location...usually something deep, valley-like and surrounded by two mounds of beautifully shaped flesh- go figure.
**In case ur thinking u could get away with wearing that sexy pair of jeans that hugs ur *big* ;) arse in the most inviting way, u may wanna consider a view from a self-confessed male 'fashionista' (Assume haughty tone: "..Jeans are not suitable 4 clubbing, especially for women")Hang on a minute..I am almost exclusively partial to my very blue-collar choice of club-wear, but then again, my man digs the working class, so I'm pretty relieved. As fer those of u who deign to give a man even 2 cents, hurry...I heard Portmans is having a sale for tightt-ass white pants!
**Wear lotsa chunky accessories....see, the point is... in case the sound system blows and there's no muzzakk....well, all them divas would just hafta get together and clang their heads to the imaginary beat of some bhale bhale tune....definitely not a problem if ur Indian, yes babe...u were born to dance! Think abt it- we desi gurls defy all rules of subtlety and wear 3 kg of earrings on each ear...i reckon in the not to distant future, them danglers/dazzlers will have little cymbals/bells/drums/guitars attached to them...watch this space!
**Hair must be long and rebonded. 99.95% of womyn that night had long flowing locks as a result of drenching the hair in a potion of hair wax, mousse, gel et al and then deep frying it with at least 60 minutes worth of styling. Was shocked to notice that a couple of guys are jumping on the rebonded bandwagon as well. The best head of hair (fer both male & female categories...yup folks, we had to lump the sexes together as we ran out of sponsorhip moolah) was a toss up b/w a certain Mr X...very original sumo-esque rebonded styled "indian mandeh"wannabe and a Uncle Ramu (yes, yes...both males!) fluffy big hair type who was togged in a checked shirt & carrot cut pants (gosh..they must be still producing those in some remote village in India). Of course, this years Hair Award (courtesy of the John Frieda Institute of Frizz Control) goes out to our very own mandeh in the making: Mr X. In case u happen to be Mr X, gimme a buzz and I'll send out to u ur prize: a dazzling toupe made of authenthic ostrich hairs.
**Dance like no one's watching!.....Yep, u havent lived the life of an It Girl if:
1) U havent fallen smack flat on the dance floor while trying out that acrobatic maneuvere Svetlana Khorkina was sweating in the Olympics to do
2) You squirm when ur dancing with girls, prefering instead to crane ur neck at an unfashionable angle so u can catch some idiotic male's attention (yes, there are some sorry folk who wail "but i can only dance with a guyyy, if I dance with girrlls all the guyyys will think i'm a lesbiannn")
3) And the true test of an It Girl: Having hit the dance floor mentioned in 1) ....u continue lying there while contorting to MJ's moonwalk -'cept u'll be doin the BodyWalk(Ref:Thriller Video, circa 1983).....by this time, there are bound to be some eager males who would be oh-so-willing to rescue u :))))
4) If all else fails, sure u'll have a few scraps...but seriously, hickeys are so passe....nowadays, we are impressed by the real violence...so go on...mop the floor with that bod babe!
All those who bhangra'ed that night...it was $15/$20 well spent! To all of u who missed Masala Mix, well there's always next semester!
Y Tuesday, August 17, 2004Y
12:26 am
Throwing caution to the wind....cant be stuffed with Murdoch's policy on Kazaa et al-am downloading all my gutter songs.....just replayed Eva Cassidy's Aint No Sunshine for the 58th time.....need some soul syrup....feeling the tension drain away (momentarily..)
Think I just wanna find a wall and lose 150 calories banging my head against it fer an hour.
Whole month of august has pretty much been shit, and today was no exception...one of the ex-school frenz who still matters called me today to:
a) wonder about the legitimacy of blogging as a hobby
("i remember when you were working/studying 80 hours a week, and dedicated to a cause...this blog thing of yours exists only b/c you have nothing else to do.")
ouch.
and b) demand why, if i'm feeling steadily "unwell", i don't do anything about it.
bigger ouch.
then, minnows, i dissolved in to unstoppable saltwater. and then i got angry. anyone who makes me cry shouldn't have a place in my world. life is too fucking short, dammit. i put up w/way too many toxic people, b/c i am forgiving and b/c i can't bring myself to believe negative things about those whom i love....
Maybe its just pms...u've been warned!
Y Monday, August 09, 2004Y
10:24 pm
The MMA (Murdoch Uni Malaysian Association) had quite an illustrious past. However, recent years (at least the last one year) has rendered it as viable as last years supply of cabbage sitting in ur fridge. Nevertheless, it was indeed heartening to note that today's reception for the Consulate of Malaysia to Perth & the MMA A.G.M was a well-attended affair. Everybody who is anybody (read:Malaysians ...and some more enlightened Singaporeans...hehehe).....took time off their busy schedules THIS early in the semester to attend. "Syabas & Tahniah kepada semua"...however, I deign to admit...it was prolly more to do with the excellent spread (Nasi Goreng & Rendang Ayam...yummy!!) that drew the droves.
Guess wot urs truly was doing at 6pm when the meeting started?...The disturbingly constant scenario of pushing an overloaded trolley from the 'greatest mall in the planet' Kardinya Coles. As Vikz and me made the long haul dodging cars on the freeway (Its called South STREET..but I swear this is hardly the stuff of regular streets lined with quaint shops...more like some GP circuit with Schumi wannabes throttling at 140 mph)...But I digress: The point is I thought i will skip the meet, considering it was my last semester and really..who goes for AGMs at the twilight of the uni years?
When Sharm called to remind me, being the unpatriotic goose that I am, told her that I was "gee...shopping for pasta & bog rolls".....she made it quite clear that I was expected to be around;)
To cut a short story shorter, one hour later urs truly was unwittingly elected to be the Treasurer of MMA....I'm sussed that its something to do with me studying accounting...Hmmmm.....Honestly folks, preparing financial statements & budgets are not too difficult with some basic accounting knowledge. Seriously easy as sheep!
Anyways, we have a bubbly and energetic team-lets hope we can rally some support for Merdeka on the 31st!!!
12:50 am
I am still sick! This majorly blows...i'd like to thank the academy, the asshole who sits directly behind me: who decided to act like this was some motherfucking 3rd world city and spit constantly in to napkins that went in to his open garbage can, i'd like to thank the worthless whore who gave HIM the flu, so that he could pass it along, and most of all, i'd like to thank the motherfucking powers-that-be that inflicted upon me the most stress inducing timetable that bunches up all my tutes over a couple of hrs!!....oh, and big ups to G-O-D...i owe everything i have to the one above...and...and my fans...i gotta remember my fans :p
i almost quit.
i deserve SO much more than this, and my only, meagre consolation is that someday it shall all be fodder for me fiction. ah, wait, i'm supposed to be writing fiction. NOW. fabulous. so my consummating SeaDragon is threatened by the sheerly shitty timing of this too. FAN-fucking-TASTIC.
i get cranky when i'm sick. send love and triple-ply kleenex infused with lotion my way, please. i'm a whiny baby tonight :(
waaaaaaaaah
Y Sunday, August 08, 2004Y
1:53 pm
So much has happened over the last few days....I'm a year older :((...finally got a job :-....and the semester promises to be the most hectic ever...have mixed feelings on that accord-on one sense, I feel bogged down by the amount of work I hafta get done...but on the other hand, I do thrive on constant pressure.
What a way to start the sem! ...Am suffering from classic flu symptoms...feel as stuffed as Big Bird, and my head throbs like I'm at some quarry....hmmmph!
Finally finished with my part for Prema's movie...I nearly died when I was made up yesterday for the part of Aunty Bhagia...b/c if I thought last Sattie in a loud sari and three inches of makeup was bad enough....this week couldnt be more darkly comedic-horrific! First, was decked in a flowery home dress and I had to don this loud satiny flowery house coat over that!....Since Aunty Bhagia wears tons of make-up even when she is just entertaining the cats & TV, I again had to wear a mask of war paint! And the beauty touch had to be the giant scarf tied around my head ala Minnie Mouse....**damn...I never felt so ugly in my life**
Thereafter, it was acting bitchy and tacky...and we shot the whole day...complete with touch-ups for sweat patches every 5 minutes as it was set in a humid Indian summer, whilst we were filming in a Perth winter...brrrrrr!!!!
Anyways, came home at abt 7pm, and thankfully clambered into my bed...was feeling all wooly-headed b/c of the sickening fever. My man called me on the cell at abt 12 at night..wailed to him that I need him to take care and pamper me! He is just the best sweetheart at doing that (I miss you luv!!)
^^^^^^
Gosh....I have so much to accomplish this week....I miss the hols already!
Y Tuesday, August 03, 2004Y
2:13 pm
And the wise man warns me
That life is but a dewdrop
On a trembling leaf
For time is short
---- Tagore
I feel bad b/c I had commented/suggested that life just *sucks*....
Thats life oi...its fragility, the stones thrown at u, all that bitchiness, the many downers.....see, thats wot makes all the ^^ups^^ that much more sweetER.
And you think to urself.....hey, I'm fuckin' thankful to be living, breathing, having all this love floating around me, catching the scent of the asters in a misty morn, tasting my favourite lippie on my smackers, listening to him say "I love you no matter what", having ur peeps do lovely things for u, getting mail from mom & daddy, crazy emails, missing the sisters annoying presence, trying to make fish curry for the first time AND it turns out divine...., strangers sharing..."its a lovely day isnt it"......dammit.....for all those things...I would gladly go thru' the **pain**....Whats life w/out some pain? So wot if I feel *borderline* sick and just wanna throw it all out and hide under the covers?
Shit happens!
But dammit.....its good to be alive!!