PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:Y Sunday, November 27, 2005Y
10:54 pm
| You Passed 8th Grade Science |
 Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct! |
7:12 pm
Gosh, I'm an auditor for chrissake! haha..but it was a quiet and relatively peaceful week by all accounts..save for the occasional erm..."differences in opinions b/w muah and ganesh"..yea yea so wot else is new, hey?
Anyway, it was a welcome sojourn into the relaxing mode, as monday heralds the start of the peak period for me (boohoohooo!!!!)...
On an even more depressing note, went to watch the Machinist yesterday night and found it rather overrated...I found myself gasping most of the time at Bale's 63lb weight loss for the role, apparently he put himself on a tuna can and an apple a day diet (or a daily dose of whisky sour...depending on which publications u choose to read!), and that by itself overshadowed the acting and feel of the show.
I dunno, issit just me or am I just confused at how a hit-and-run perpetrator behaves?...
Geez...am not an expert in these things, but something doesnt quite click in this flick, though the protagonist is apparently tipped for an Oscar..
Y Saturday, November 26, 2005Y
12:25 pm
Just a couple of hrs ago, I had a very enjoyable dinner with some uni gal friends @ 1Utama. Small group-Su, Deb, Pam, Yennie, Chai Shan, Bling and the bert-day gal Wanie. Nice, pleasant affair-which would have been perfect save for two things:1)The fact that urs truly and the whole bunch of us forgot to bring a cam to record the milestone event
2)The serious lack of corrum.
It is the latter that I wish to elaborate on in this whiny blog. Su (and myselflf..ahem ahem), went thru a lotta trouble planning the whole affair-from phone calls,reservations, cake, more phone calls, email...the like.
And there were those who cancelled at the last minute, soaring the impatience quotient in myself to near "hello...i'm the machinist (see next blog), i'm insomniac and mad, and you stood me up kinda crazy"...
So there, am not gonna go on with the rant, lest the few frenz I have brand me a hefty whiner..and plus, real estate on mah blog is precious!
Lesson is, next time, spare a thought for those taking the trouble to organize the event and make it a point to show up...no one cares if ur hair's all kinked coz u aint have time for the hairdressers and such muck. We just want you. Plain and simple.
Anyways, it was a nice crazy session at fridays as always...great food, even greater company, and to the birthday gal:
Happy b'day sistah! Ur a big gal now!!! Love yea to bits!!
And gals, we should do this more often, yea? So, deb..how bout that karaoke u were suggesting eh?
Y Saturday, November 19, 2005Y
8:14 pm
Saturday was the day the domesticity started. It simply could not have had been put off any longer. I have this unbearable infatuation with plastic bags and old newspapers that I will not give up, and they had started piling up around the bedroom like brush strokes on a Lucian Freud painting in progress. They were getting out of hand, and the trip to Ikea was inevitable. Initially, I had wanted to get shelves that were just the right size to fit in front of the desk, but just like everything in a place like Ikea, nothing really quite fit with everything else. Nothing was custom built, so everything had to be made on the basis that there was a general compromise between the way the furniture would have to behave towards one another in a given space.
There were no shelves of the sort that I wanted, and I was seriously considering going for a really cheap set that looked very decent that could go up against the wall. Ganesh didnt see the point in me still paying 70 odd quid just for some space against the wall that he was sure I wouldnt use. Hmmmm...And then as sheila was coming to stay, I had wanted to invest in a sofa bed that I thought would add a touch of cosiness into my decrepit bedroom. I dont think its no more a prerogative to crash on couches and act like its so cool because I really don’t give a shit (things I used to do back when I was like 19.... True, a place to sleep on is a place to sleep on, and I’ve slept on all of them...but befitting my social status, as a member of the "working class"..I thought I'd extend my guest some semblance of decent accomodation.
Ganesh and I nearly had an argument over buying a houseplant (I needed something to mother!) and I got really mad and raised my voice for no apparent reason- the fact that I suspect my hormones haven’t been very good to me these days aside-. He had been quite difficult coming to the end of this week, and it must have affected my sensibilities. It wasn’t his fault that he was, people come the way they are, and our little eccentricities are to no doing of ours. Big things like Laziness as a way of existence is a fault. Things like being prejudiced because your too ignorant to understand the concept and means to acceptance… that sort of thing I have no qualms feeling scathing towards. But there are some things we grow up with that we cannot shake off; although that is no excuse not to think logically despite the failings, we cannot help but feel the way we do.
Of course I don’t expect to get my way all the time, and most of the time, it doesn’t matter to me. Little things like arriving in front of my hse to pick me up at 7.45 am, and then parking a good 10 metres away, thinking that I would somehow telephatize that he's outside waiting, or having the man you love suspect you of indiscretions after you’d bought the tickets with your own cash (u scrounged on lunch an entire week, coz these were gold class) because he presumed you had cheated on him, the one u love pretending to listen to u b/c he has learnt the art of "tuning you out when its convenient" … I tolerated all of those things (it wasn’t very difficult I suppose, I grew up convinced that the mantra ‘ignore, ignore, ignore' would be just the best way...and life would be much easier to live.
I have become soft. I don’t care much for money, and I don’t care much for a bookshelf, but what upset me was the reason he had for feeling upset in Ikea, for not feeling comfortable shopping with me, for not feeling comfortable with getting a shelf to make my life easier/organized. I must have felt then that he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to change his ethic for me, and I suppose I’ll have to accept that as it is. You can’t change what people are at heart until they do it without knowing, by themselves. I told him it made me feel trapped, because at the end of the day, its my parents' hse, soon I'll marry and move out and I’ll never feel like I have any right with it, and I cannot (nor do I want to) ask for anything major to be done with it, although I will be very grateful for all the concessions ..
It’s inevitable that we all feel trapped at some point, because the truth is, we are all really trapped. Whatever values we have, east or west or capitalist or Marxist, we’re all beholden to someone else or something else. Lovers, children, money, companies, parents, landlords, taxi-drivers… you got to be kidding if you think at any one point you can truly exist independent of all these things. And if you were… I doubt you would be happy. We’re social creatures after all and there’s nothing we can do about it. Only most times, we don’t mind being beholden to someone, we don’t mind having to be responsible to some one else. It’s all a matter of what your willing to compromise and how much pleasure you get in return.
I know I wouldn’t be happy if I went to live on my own –not now anyway. I like being with my parents on weekdays, ganesh on weekends..I’m with him all the time I’m sure the friends I used to have must think I’m such a bore. They all say I’ve changed, well… I was never really a party person anyway, it was just that I had nothing better to do with my time then, and I needed the illicit high I got out of acting crazy on the dance floor or for the heck of it or… it goes on.
I love him, and I’ve become soft because I want to be. I don’t want the pessimistic realism of the rest of the prejudiced, scheming, organized, time-tabled world to seep in, and feeling uncomfortable about making such concessions smacks of that.
I really lost it yesterday when we had the argument about him parking so far out of my house b/c he didnt want to run into my dad so early in the morn, and the night before I had felt mildly pissed off over the fact that he was being elitist about unnecessary hard work and other Marxists ethics – I can’t stand people being elitist over anything. It’s because being elitist doesn’t have to make sense and it seldom does. It’s all about people adhering to values they haven’t re-evaluated or even thought about; and I hate it oh I hate it because it was the sort of environment I grew up in, and felt condemned in.
Why couldn’t these people see that it made no sense! And of course people are people and I cannot attempt to change them, but I don’t like it when my logic is disputed without reasons I see any way of rationalizing.
Of course he rationalized it to me later, and it made sense, and I’m alright with it now. But of course the rationalization had al to do with, this is the way I was brought up, forgive me if you don’t like it, but that’s the way things are. Being difficult because you can’t help it and it’s the truth suits me just fine, because it means I’m right, and I don’t mind being wrong, but I need a good reason as to why I’m wrong and I’ll admit it without fuss.
I’ve grown up in schools with teachers that constantly thought they were right without reason, and they never seek to explain anything to you, only if you do this, then its wrong because we have said it was wrong although we have not told you why, and you have no obeyed it because you’re a difficult child, and because you are a difficult child, you are wrong and therefore have to be punished. But they didn’t see they were the difficult ones of course. And that’s the problem I have with people being elitist, because they are difficult without a reason, for no good reason and still think they are right.
On a related vein, Sheila explained it all to me over the phone long distance last night, and we had a weird discussion about how European people still felt a little awkward if they had maids and things, because it reminded them of a period when classes existed and everyone had a station in life. Topic cropped up b/c the family was considering hiring a maid to ease the workload on the home front. Slaves were slaves and maids were maids, and they serviced the arses of the gentry, and it was all undesirable when Marxism took hold. People started behaving antagonistically towards everything that smacked of colonialism and the idea that one race was superior to another.
Of course I don’t believe that sort of nonsense, although I will admit that the culture of a certain race will inevitably affect the ethics of the majority that are born into it, and some cultures value lelaxation over hard work, rigid moral values over intelligent, logical concession and acceptance, fatalism over living to the fullest etc. And yes, I do believe that different levels of awareness and self-consciousness, different levels of humanity exists in people. I am definitely more humane and accepting now that I’m older, than when I was younger, less well read, and less knowing. But it has nothing to do with race or religion, although like it or not, some cultures cultivate that sort of awareness better than others. Some religions allow you to think more than others, and that makes a great deal of difference.
I believe everything and everyone has a place in life, which is different from having a station in life. At any one point in time, we all have our places, and if my maid’s place at this point is to keep my parent’s household in order, than there’s nothing wrong with it. Because she has chosen it herself and no one is more apt to make a decision about their lives then the person themselves.
You can say she would rather be working in a top market job if she could, but the poverty of her country has prevented her from doing so, has prevented her from achieving that station in life. Well, yes, but the reality of it all is that there’s nothing we can do about that is there. And what we can do is to help her come one step closer to what she wants; she wouldn’t have access to all the literature and culture she has access to living in my parents place if she lived on in the Philippines, and yes cramming it up with 5 other people in a tiny condominium might smack of ill-treatment, but it isn’t.
I know nothing of the world my parents were born into, but I can tell you it was much more miserable than the world these maids from the Philippines are coming into. They have roughed it out for a larger part of their lives and worked hard to come into a different place and point in life, and if they wish to have an easier life now because they can afford it, I don’t see any value in not making life as easy as possible for yourself.
Am I a spoilt thing that has had to too easy…? You know what, I don’t think so. I have had it easy, certainly, and I know it, but I am immensely grateful for everything that has been done so that I can have it easy. But when push comes to shove, I still believe in the value of being able to cope with it myself. And when I’m unable to, I feel unbearably ashamed of the fact that I can’t. And one day I’ll grow up and I’ll be able to deal with it each time. We might not be independent, and we might never be independent, but I believe in the necessity to carry on with living as best as we can with ourselves. You can only choose death otherwise, and unless that happens, when the shit hits the fan you can only either deal with it, or feel miserable about it. And the former is always a better option.
Y Sunday, November 13, 2005Y
2:44 pm
Yea, am going thru' the motions of both, have been lying in bed @ home since Fri night. My ole man managed to exclaim surprise at just how much I can actually slumber on any given weekend. His "theories"Dad: How are you feeling?
Me: Still the same
Dad: Maybe its all the sleeping you've been doing...
Me: Hmmm....well, isnt that just what sick people do??
Dad: Well, the dip in your immunity could well be due to u sleeping away, instead of getting out and getting some exercise
Me: (At this moment, I am getting totally incredulous by the moment)..Erm whateva..
Dad: You know, I have never really met anyone who can sleep as much as you do
Me: Reallllyy??
***At this point, it goes into a one way ramble...Dad-->Me-->Atmosphere...cant be bothered to argue, so I just make agreeable noises and proceed to mumble my assent...**
Just wish I had my own space sometimes
Y Monday, November 07, 2005Y
11:01 pm
Was supposed to start the ambitious work out plan today. Alas! I succumbed to a greasy McDonalds meal instead. My excuse: PMS coupled with a nauseating day @ the office due to the presence of a certain peroxide dyed cow.Am giving myself one last chance before I officially start with the radical "better than lipo" regime tomorrow.
Countdown: 48 minutes to the new & improved SeaDragz
Feelings @ the moment: Wary
Current Weight: 215 lb (gasp!)
Ok, have just lost all apetite to continue with the ramble. Blek!
I think I am going to slash my credit rating further by going out to Sibu Pharmacy and getting myself a 2 week supply of Reductil (on credit, coz the piggy bank is starting to sound hollow)
There goes thoughts of gyrating to some pulsating music this weekend. I think I'm gonna be the bag lady this weekend at Zouk. Cant risk creating a crater on the dance floor-they may arrest me on some original act of terrorism charge!
Y Sunday, November 06, 2005Y
7:47 pm
I couldnt be damned blogging abt happenings these past few months...Nothing noteworthy to ink on cyberspace, so I have kept the musings to myself. Tinkered with the idea of starting a syndicated site, but then again, who am I to think that I will be readable enough to justify a fee. Naa..I'll just stick to blogspot and its very basic contraptions.Diwali came and went and what a holiday it turned out. Can say that after a three week hiatus from work, the only substantial achievement was completing a three hour exam for the CPA. No, not a CPA yet, this being the first paper (outta 6)...but its a start :)
Nowadays, I find myself pondering abt my future (and in the midst, being a depressed zombie)..things have become so mundane, that I find myself on the defensive many a time. I am a living walking case-in-point, not living under the laws of the land, but laws made by a chap named Murphy. Yeah, to the point that I continually expect the worst..., so as to insure myself from the failings and the dissapointments that I know are bound to happen.
Indeed, whom am I to judge?
I am tired
I need a real friend
Will you be that friend?